Parable of the Breadsticks

Remember breadsticks? Back in the 1980s and into the 90s you’d be sitting in a restaurant, and it was almost always an Italian restaurant because anything that wasn’t Italian or Chinese or “Canadian” was unknown so you were afraid of it.

So you’re sitting there thinking about Reaganomics or Miami Vice, and you see a bunch of breadsticks sticking up out of a glass on the table. You grab one, and you eat it. And you think, wow, that’s some breadstick. I am living the good life, sitting here in a restaurant, munching on this breadstick.

That was then. Now you hardly ever go to restaurants because they’re too expensive. Plus you are sad and lonely. And one day you’re in the grocery store and you see a box with a picture of breadsticks on it. It’s a box of breadsticks! So you buy the box of breadsticks because you want to relive your glory days and this way you don’t have to worry about tipping.

You go home, and you pop some frozen thing into the microwave. While you’re waiting for it to get too hot to eat you tear open that box of breadsticks. You put them in a glass, standing up, just like in the restaurants of your youth. You grab a breadstick and you start to eat it.

What the Hell? What is this? It’s just a stick of old dry bread. It sucks. Fuck these breadsticks.

And there it is, ladies and gentlemen. When the meal is expensive and the breadsticks are free, the best part of the meal is the breadsticks. But when the meal is cheap and you have to pay for the breadsticks, the breadsticks suck.

Some people might call this a parable. Others might say it’s an allegory. I just call it shitty breadsticks.